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giving to give



my whole life has been a series of giving, which is funny because people often think of me as a really self absorbed human being. my favorite thing in this whole entire world is giving. i love giving to my friends at christmas time by baking them cakes and writing them cards to remind them how much i love them. its no question why i love valentines day so much, you get to tell people how much you love them. how fun is that?! but sometimes giving can contradict itself because you always somehow or another realize that when you give and go the extra mile for people you care about, they just never seem to give back to you. 


while that may sound depressing, it’s true. it doesn’t have to be a depressing topic because there are so many ways to see the light in all of it. yes, i have awesome friends and i have friends who would do anything for me. but when i give my friends a thoughtful gift of a cake or a picture of something, i never get anything back. it gets really exhausting. don’t get me wrong though, i do have those few people in life who give to me first or give to me when i give to them. its not like I’m keeping tabs on anybody but at the end of the day you know the feeling of giving and never getting anything back. and sometimes it just feels super deflating. 


but i guess that’s when you have to remind yourself that you don’t think the same way as others and that’s okay. although sometimes it can be harder than that, sometimes when you’ve given so many times and they never give you anything back, it could be that they just aren’t meant to be in your life forever. i had a person like that in my life. i was always giving to them. going out of my way to give them cards, cakes, donuts, presents and especially going out of my way to affirm them in love. they never gave me anything back. ever. do you know how shitty that feels? and then to top it all off, i did a shitty thing and they were suppose to be my best friend through all of that and give me affirmation and love but they did the exact opposite of that. its upsetting how so many people look past what is given to them and completely take it all for granted. and yeah, i know not everyone loves and thinks as much about others as i do but you would think that when you have a special relationships with somebody that you would want to show it. you’d think that you you’d want to take 10 minutes out of your day that you only think about yourself in, and show someone else that you’re thinking of them. its really not that hard and it even makes you feel really good. so why don’t more people do that? that’s a good question and one that i truly don’t think ill ever find an answer to. 


then i tell myself that ill just stop giving and stop going out of my way to love them extra hard. maybe then they’ll realize that they do appreciate me. nope, not really. instead they just blame me for not being the friend that i normally am. isn’t that so annoying? yeah. 


so ive come to the conclusion that ill keep on giving because it lights a fire in my belly and it makes me realize the hope that i have in humanity. because at the end of the day, i get to go to bed happy that i was a friend to somebody and that i made that persons day better even if they don’t realize so. if giving is your way of loving people, like it is mine, one day you’ll find somebody or a group of people that give back to you too. they may not give in physical ways but you can tell somebody you love them by the simple phrases of “be good”, “im with you”, “you are enough”, “text me when you get home”, “ill wait up for you”, and “you want the last piece of my pizza?”. there are so many ways to make people happy, please don’t lose sight of them while you move forward.

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