boy do i have a bone to pick with you. although, its not all bad things that i have to say to you. you started off absolutely wonderful. i mean seriously, life couldn’t have been any better. i had the best friends i could ever ask for, a loving boyfriend and was about to set off on my journey studying abroad in florence, italy. it was awesome. i went abroad and met one of my best friends. she goes to my university but i never knew her and we ended up being roommates. and by roommates, i mean absolutely inseparable and went on so many adventures together. we laughed and we cried and we danced and we sang and we definitely drank a lot of wine and ate a lot of pizza. 2020, thank you for Tori Bird.
and then coronavirus took over the world and i had to go home. all i have to say is fuck you, coronavirus. you really screwed stuff up! but while i was abroad for an eventful and packed two months, i learned things about myself that i always needed to learn. i learned patience. patience is such a huge thing for me to learn about myself because i feel like i am constantly running. I’m always running but at the same time i have no idea where I’m running, maybe I’m just running in circles. and for once in my life i could have this “fuck it” mentality and be someone that I’ve always wanted to be while experiencing moments that ill never be able to put into words. i really was living the dream.
coronavirus sent us all home and the whole country went on lockdown and i was forced to stay at home with my parents. i say forced like its a bad thing but looking back at it, i am so thankful for that time in quarantine. i haven’t spent that much time at home with my parents since high school and it made me realize how grateful i am to have parents that love me with such open and warm arms. i did a lot of jane fonda work outs and went on a lot of walks.
fast forwarding a few months, life hit really hard later on in the year. i did some stupid things and lost some really important people in my life. to this day i regret every bad thing i did but i guess we have to learn from those mistakes and simply just move on. my boyfriend and i broke up which was for the best. like i said in my last entry, just because someone is comfortable doesn’t mean that they’re meant to stay forever. i also constantly felt like i was never enough yet too much at the same time. you know that feeling? it sucks. kinda like the whole entire world is against you. but coming from my future self, i promise you it’s not against you whatsoever. it can’t rain forever and even on the cloudiest of days i knew to keep my eyes fixed on the sun.
2020, thank you for Caroline Bennett. Caroline is my roommate currently and will be next year too. I've known Caroline for some time now and while yes, we are both gemini's, Caroline has become somebody that I know would cross an ocean for me. she has taught me that it's okay to do wild things and to lose sleep and to do the things that i'm too scared to do. she's taught me that nobody other than yourself holds the key to your happiness. she has taught me that it's my life and if i want it, i can get it. there have been times when we both wanted to rip each others heads off but that's never stopped her from believing in me. so thank you universe for Caroline.
so i guess this is where i tell you about where I’m currently at in life. 2021 is here and while its technically just another day in the book of life, its a “new chapter” as cheesy as that sounds. its a good excuse to wipe off the shitty moments that 2020 brought me and grow. i think that 2021 will be a big year of growth for myself. maybe i won’t find another partner and maybe i won’t fix the ruined relationships but I’m sure that ill grow to be okay with those things and know that I’m going to do great things and be assured that everything truly happens for a reason.
2021, you don’t have big shoes to fill but please set higher standards for yourself.